Turning the Page
by Ice Bear
Summary: Jim is forced to confront a part of his past he'd worked hard to forget while in DC for work.


Turning the Page

"Just dial it down, Jim," Blair said softly as they settled into their assigned seats on the plane. He looked at his partner and sighed. The timing of this trip really sucked. Sticking Jim on an airplane for a five and a half hour cross country trip was not fun anytime, but considering they were coming off three weeks of hell at work -- the timing was just plain bad.

He chanced a look as the big man searched for his seat belt – too pale, too many pain lines, and dark circles under the eyes. Maybe a week of strict eight hour days in DC away from the bad guys was a good idea right now.

"Tone it down, Chief, I'm fine," Jim smiled at this partner. "Just glad Stephen gave us those frequent flyer miles for Christmas. I'm not sure I could handle the sardine routine right now."

Blaire returned the smile, placing a hand on Jim's arm. "Take the smell dial down to two and hearing better be at one," his Guide voice soothed the tense muscles under his hand.

Fifteen minutes after take off, Blair, head phones on, was deep in a thick book.Jim checked his seatmate carefully before closing his eyes, and settled under the soft throw that Blair had pulled out of his ever present backpack.

Two hours later, a big man reached over the aisle seat toward the former anthropologist only to have his wrist grabbed none too gently before it reached its target. "Can I help you," Jim growled, his ice blue eyes intent on his prey.

"Just wanted to see if I could buy him a drink." The man tried to pull his arm back, but there was no give in the hold.

"No thanks," was the tense response.

"Look buddy, you have no say…"

"You don't really expect me to sit back and let you proposition my partner, do you?" The feral smile that graced the handsome face made the man in the aisle step back.

"Sorry."

"You better be." Jim finished the conversation before releasing the man's wrist.

"Geez Jim, maybe I wanted a drink," Blair said softly, a teasing smile on his face.

The blue eyes opened halfway and drilled the younger man. "Chief, we're sitting in first class - the drinks are free…" There was a flash of warmth before the eyes closed, earning him a warm chuckle that eased him back to sleep.

As they exited the plane at Dulles Airport, Blair kept a hand on Jim's back. "Better dial touch down too, Big Guy, this airport is usually overloaded at this time of day."

They found their driver at baggage claim and settled back in the sedan as it headed to Washington. "How did you swing this?" Blair asked as scooted across the leather seat to lean up against his partner.

"Turns out Ellison Corp owns a piece of this car service. Dad gave me a gift card for my birthday.Said it might be handy for our vacations. Figured we weren't making much progress on the vacation end, so I thought we'd use it here."

The car pulled to the curb two blocks from the Capitol in front of a four story brick town house. They were shown to a large room on the third floor that took up the entire back of the house. It had two queen size beds, a leather couch, two wing back chairs, a good sized TV and a desk.

"This is great, Chief." Jim said as he checked out the bathroom.

"It is, isn't it?" Blair responded. "The cost fits our per diem, and I figured it would be easier…quieter then a big hotel."

Jim pulled the smaller man to him in a gentle hug. "Sometimes I think we got the whole 'Blessed Protector/Protectee' roles backwards," he said with a smile. "I'm going for a run. Why don't you get settled and check out the dinner options? I should be back in about an hour."

"Jim?"

"I just need to move, Chief, I'm not used to sitting for so long."

"Okay, just take it easy, huh?"

"Again, Protector/Protectee?"

He left the house and headed down Constitution Avenue past the Capitol. Mid-May weather was sunny and warm with a cooling breeze. Once he hit the base of the Hill, he started down the National Mall. His long legs stretched as he settled into a ground eating stride. He kept his senses down – and simply ran. When he hit the Lincoln Memorial, he paused to admire the view back toward the Capitol before resuming his run.

Blair was settled on the couch, deep in his book when his partner returned. "Feeling better?"

"Yeah. You figured out dinner?" A nod from the couch, and he headed for the shower.

The next morning they walked down Constitution Avenue toward the FBI building. It was another nice day, and Blair came more awake as the hum of traffic and the flow of people hit him. His eyes strayed longingly toward the Smithsonian museums as they drew even with them where Pennsylvania Avenue met with Constitution, earning him a laugh from his partner.

The first day of their intergovernmental cooperation seminar was long and to the senior partner, anyway, boring beyond belief. "Too many politicians and bureaucrats – we could have stayed at home and simply gone to one of the Mayor's functions," he groused as they headed up Pennsylvania Avenue toward their bed and breakfast.

"Come on Jim, you know the first day is always the worst. Tomorrow we start hearing case histories – and Wednesday we get to present ours. It'll be fun."

"Once a professor, always a professor," Jim joked, earning himself a glare that turned into a laugh.

At the mid-afternoon break the next day, Jim was getting a bottle of water while Blair talked with an ATF agent about the presentation he had just given. When Jim turned from the table, he stopped in his tracks, his blue eyes going wide at the sight of the man in front of him.Blair wasn't sure what made him look up, but when he saw his partner's ashen face he moved immediately to his side.

"Jim, Jim, you with me?" He put a hand on his partner's wrist, and was concerned with the racing pulse. "Jim?"

"Detective Ellison?" The stranger asked.

The big detective took a step away from the man, backing into the table. Blair moved to put himself between the two. "I'm Blair Sandburg, Jim's partner. Can we help you?" He kept one hand anchored on his friend.

"I'm Don Givens. My brother Billy…"

"Twins?" Jim hoarsely whispered.

"Yes, I'm Billy's identical twin."

"Marine Corps?"

"That's right; the Army wasn't big enough for two Givens."

Jim looked down at the floor for a moment as he sought to regain some control. "Sorry, I just…I…"

"It's alright Detective, I apologize, I didn't really think about what I was doing.I was reading the bios for the participants during that last session and when I saw yours…I just had to speak with you."

"Somebody want to clue me in, here?" Blair said, aware that if his partner's body got any tighter, he was sure something would break.

"Sorry, Chief. Billy Given's and I served together in the Rangers. He…Peru."

"Got it, big guy. Why don't we go back to the lecture hall? It's a little crowded in here."

"Jim, you okay?" The voice was Sentinel soft as they followed Givens out of the room.

"It's like seeing a ghost, Chief."

"If you don't want to talk with him…"

"No, just…stay with me, please."

They settled at a table in the back row of the lecture room, and Blair kept a hand on his partner's back. Jim picked up his head and looked Givens straight in the face. "Your brother was a good soldier and friend."

"He told me some pretty wild stories about the two of you," Givens said with a warm smile.

"So are you from around here," Blair asked when it was clear Jim still hadn't recovered from the shock.

"Arlington County, Virginia. I was part of the Sniper taskforce in 2002." The room began to fill with people a few minutes later, and Givens rose to go join his partner. "Would you be able to come out to the house Thursday night for dinner? I know Mom and Dad would like to meet you."

"We'll let you know tomorrow, if that's okay." Blair responded quickly, having felt Jim tense again.

Jim insisted on taking a cab after they were finished for the day. He found his running gear as soon as they entered the room, and was changed and heading for the door in minutes. Blair grabbed his arm. "Wait."

"Blair, please." Jim pleaded, his blue eyes dark with pain and grief.

"Tell me the route." Jim laid out his run and the approximate amount of time it would take. "Okay, just take your cell, and promise you'll use it if you need to. And one other thing – if you aren't back here in an hour, I'm coming looking."

"Thanks Chief." And Jim was gone.

"Damn." Blair whispered to the closed door. "Why can't you let the man catch a break…just one?"

Jim ran – flat out, long legs flying, arms pumping – as soon as he reached the relatively obstacle free surface of the Mall. His mind was in turmoil as flashes of Billy laughing, humping through the desert, tossing a football on the beach ran across his private movie screen, to be followed by the horrendous sound of rounds hitting the chopper, the chaos of the descent and the smell of fire after the explosion. Suddenly, he found himself down by the Lincoln Memorial, bent over, hands on knees, trying not to give in to his nausea, but he lost that battle behind one of the massive, old trees surrounding the reflecting pool. He sagged weakly against the tree in an effort to catch his breath. The ringing of his cell brought him upright, and he grabbed awkwardly for it, fumbling to get it open. "Ellison," he whispered hoarsely.

"Jim, you alright?"

The gentle sound of his Guide's voice warmed him. "Yeah, just a little winded."

"Getting old, big guy?"

"Not too old to beat your ass, Junior," he grumbled.

"Ohhh, sounds like fun."

"Sandburg, you are going to be the death of me, you know that don't you?"

"But what a way to go." The laughter following that statement settled in the big man's heart. "You headed back?"

"In a minute. You figured out dinner?"

"Don't worry, it's taken care of."

"Great, see you in a bit…and Chief, thanks."

"Hurry back to me, big guy." Blair said softly before hanging up.

Blair was seated on the couch when he got back, trying not to look too anxious. He gave his Sentinel the once over as he gulped down a bottle of water. "While you're in the shower, I've got a couple of errands to run. Do you need anything?"

The sweat soaked head lifted, and a pair of intense blue eyes found his. "No, thanks."

Blair had take out Italian on the coffee table when Jim came out of the bathroom. He had figured pasta was a comfort food for both of them, and considering the conversation he felt they needed to have, they both were going to need some comfort. They ate in companionable silence, watching the Washington Nationals battle the New York Mets.

After cleaning up the cartons, they settled on the couch. "Jim, what do you want to do about Givens' invitation?" He felt the flinch.

"Not sure, Chief. I…I know it's the right thing to do, but I don't know if I can." The normally confident voice was hesitant, tentative even, telling Blair more then the words.

"You've never really talked to anyone about what happened, have you?" He was taking a stab in the dark, but he knew that it was one of the few taboo subjects left between them, and if Jim wouldn't even talk about it with him, he doubted he'd ever talked with anyone.

"Yesterday's gone, Chief - can't change it, no sense talking about it."

"Billy's family is going to want to know about the crash."

"I don't think I can do that." Jim moved abruptly and found his way to a window, keeping his back to Blair.

"Jim?"

"I'm a coward…that's what it comes down to. I can't talk about it. I don't want to. I wish I could forget it ever happened."

"You are a lot of things James Ellison – stubborn, pigheaded, anal retentive, obsessive compulsive, rash, quick tempered, strong, smart, gentle, generous, funny and not bad looking for a guy your age - but you are not now, nor have you ever been a coward." Blair moved behind Jim, and placed a reassuring hand in the small of his back. "You hear me?"

Jim turned toward his partner and put both hands on the slim shoulders. "I think you're slightly biased," he responded as he rested his chin for a brief moment on the soft chestnut hair.

"Maybe, but that doesn't change the facts. Now come sit down and tell me about Billy."

Jim found himself settled beside Blair on the couch, an arm around his shoulders. He took a deep breath and started talking about his friend and fellow soldier. He told about midnight raids on the PX, wild weekend passes and avoiding the MPs to sneak back on base. He mentioned cookouts and training exercises and a few exploits on unclassified missions.

"Jim…"

"I can't, please don't ask me to." He interrupted, moving away from the warmth and comfort being offered.

"What's the most scared you've ever been?" Blair asked seemingly touching changing the subject. The older man turned from the window and looked questioningly at his Guide. "The most scared you've ever been." Blair repeated.

"The fountain. Them pulling me off you, the EMTs saying you were gone." The response was said in a near silent whisper that Blair heard only because he was listening carefully.

"Peru didn't scare you?"

"No. Just wanted to die."

"I don't understand."

"They were all dead. Gone. And we were off course as best I could figure, so there was little chance of anyone finding me. I had a broken collar bone and some serious damage to my leg. Figured I'd follow them soon enough."

"Why'd you bury them?"

"They were my men! I couldn't protect them, the best I could do was bury them. They had died in service to their country. I wasn't going to leave their bodies to be torn apart by the animals."

"Did any of them suffer?"

"I don't think so. The pilot and copilot were dead before the chopper hit the ground. Billy, he was asleep – he would fall asleep about 10 minutes after take off and stay that way until I gave the 8 minute warning. I always put the rookie by him. They needed to learn to sleep whenever and wherever you could. Billy had that down to a science. Sarris and LJ, they were still strapped in - couldn't tell when I dragged them out. JT and Danny, they were in the back where we took the first hit from the mortar rounds. I'm pretty sure they never knew what hit 'em."

"Why did you survive?"

"Some sick cosmic joke."

"You don't really still believe that." Blair said Sentinel soft as he laid a warm hand on the tense back.

"I don't know, Chief, it's as good an explanation as any."

They got ready for bed in silence, and Blair was surprised to wake up an hour later, only to find Jim hunched over his knees, on the couch. "Just cause we aren't at home doesn't mean the rules don't apply."

Jim's head came up from off his knees. "What rule?"

"The one that says no sleeping on the couch - seems to me the by-the-book guy who wrote the rules should remember them."

"I..."

"Go to bed, Jim." The Guide ordered his Sentinel, and the big man moved to obey. Uninterrupted sleep was not in the cards as Jim woke screaming three times before he gave up all pretence and simply stared at the ceiling until the alarm went off.

Blair insisted they take a cab down to the FBI that morning. His partner looked exhausted and fragile, and he didn't want to put any more strain on him then necessary. They gave their presentation on two cases they had worked with the FBI and the Border Patrol. Jim smiled to himself as he watched his partner talk – hands flying – about the reasoning behind the buildings they had targeted. He held up his end, sticking to procedure and protocol and why they had all agreed to politely throw it out the window to get their men. A number of good questions were asked, and Blair was surrounded by fellow officers when the session broke.

Jim went to the break room and picked up an extra water bottle for his partner. He was startled to find Givens behind him. "Do you think you and your partner will be able to join my family tomorrow night?"

Jim took a deep breath. "We'd love to come." Givens smile seemed to release some of the tension in the older detective, and he smiled slightly as he got the address and directions.

He found his partner back in the lecture room and handed over the water. "Great job, Chief. You had 'em eating out of the palm of your hand." Blair laughed. "I told Givens we'd come by tomorrow night."

"I'm so proud of you, big guy! That might even earn you that steak dinner you've been whining about all week." Blair said softly, and then laughed as a blush worked its way across his partner's face.

They made it through the next day's session only because Blair worked to keep Jim focused with a touch or a quiet word. It was clear that the older man was very uncomfortable with their evening plans, and Blair was beginning to think it had been a mistake to agree to dinner. But Jim was committed, and the younger man knew that no amount of talking would change his mind.

They caught a cab back to their room, showered and changed. As they sat on the front steps of the town house waiting for the car, Blair's hand gently lifted Jim's chin up so they were eye to eye. "Whatever happens tonight, I want you to remember that I'm here for you."

"It's the right thing to do."

"I know, Jim, but that doesn't make it any easier. I don't want to see you hurt for doing this. So promise me, if it gets to be too much, we'll leave." The large blue eyes sought something – some reassurance – and Jim nodded slowly in acquiescence.

Jim wasn't sure if the drive out was too long or over too soon. His mind was moving rapidly from thought to thought, trying desperately to find the right words, the right memories to share with his teammate's family. And he was sure he lacked both. Blair sensing the unease, put an arm around his waist and pulled him close. "Don't try so hard, when you meet them, the right words will be there. I promise." He whispered. "It'll be alright, Jim."

Don was waiting at the front door, and escorted them through the house to a large back yard with two picnic tables, a gas grill and six people – Billy's parents; Don's wife and son and Billy's widow. After introductions were made and drinks attended to, Jim put an arm around the widow, and they walked to the far end of the yard. Blair kept an eye on his partner as he talked with Don and his wife and brought Billy's parents up to date on Jim's activities since Peru. He relaxed slightly when he saw Jim wrapped in a hug by the woman.

Jim told the parents what he felt they needed to know, leaving out the fire, the burned flesh and the shallow grave he was able to dig. Then Don joined them, and he pulled out stories of their exploits from jump school, R&R, and training exercises. He apologized to them all for not being there when they buried Billy at Arlington. He was in the middle of his debrief and the Army had not been willing to let him out until he was finished.

After a dinner of potato salad, cornbread and grilled steak and BBQ chicken, he nodded to Blair and they rose to leave. It took almost 20 minutes, as each member of the family told Jim how much it meant to be able to talk with him about what had happened. Mrs. Givens thanked him tearfully in the midst of a hug for bringing her boy home, and Don, when he got them to the car, pulled Jim tightly to his chest and thanked him for taking such good care of his brother.

Once in the car, Blair sat so he was leaning against his partner, whispering soothing nonsense. He knew the man was on an emotional overload and that the best thing that could happen was for him to let go. He also knew that his partner did not believe in losing control, and it wasn't about to happen in front of a stranger in the car. So he worked to help him keep it together, at least until they were alone.

When they arrived back at the room, Blair ushered Jim toward the shower and took his own time changing. He was about to check on his partner, when he heard the bathroom door open. Jim joined him on the couch. "Thank you for being with me tonight. I wouldn't have been able to do it otherwise. I know I don't tell you often enough, but you are the best friend I've ever had." It was said softly with heart wrenching sincerity, and Blair sat stunned for a moment before shifting so he could look his partner in the eye.

"You are a one of a kind, Jim Ellison, the very best kind. And I'm proud to be your friend."

Before returning to Cascade, they visited Arlington Cemetery and Billy Givens' grave. Jim left Blair at the top of the hill with a panoramic view of the Capitol City, and made his way down to Givens' marker. His eyes swept the wide expanse of green covered by row upon row of white. He sent up a pray for his comrades who had fought and died for their country and their families. He pulled himself to attention and smartly saluted Givens'. As he turned to leave, he saw Blair waiting slightly off to his left. He joined his partner and they walked slowly, silently down the pavement toward their waiting car and home.


End file.
